The Room Episode 4
Sam is still tucked in the bed. Conor is reading Pride and Prejudice. Conor- Oh. Sam- What? Conor- Oh, nothing. Sam- No, really, what? Conor- It's really nothing. Sam- I want to know. Conor- It doesn't matter. Sam- TELL ME! Conor- NOOOOO! Sam- YOU MASSIVE BASTARD! Conor- FUCK YOU! Sam- FUCK YOU! Conor- Well maybe I will! Sam- ...what? Conor- I don't know. Sam- Hmmm. Conor- Where's Jack? Sam- Might have gone for a walk? Conor- Oh, really, where in our spacious apartment will he have gone? We have two rooms, this and a bathroom! Sam- He could have gone in there. Conor- No, because Wallace has took to lurking in there. Keeps biting my ankles. Sam- Well, if he's not in here and he's not in there... he must have been... Conor- They must have let him go. Sam- Blimey. So it's just us. For ever and ever. There is a long pause. Conor- Shit. Sam- Shit. Jack is thrown in. Conor- Thank fuck! Sam- Where've you been? Jack- They had a talk with me. Some kind of counselling. Conor- Feel any better? Jack- It was counselling. An hour of me pouring my soul into another person's head. Conor- A soul jug. Jack- Exactly. They're filling up their little cups. Sam- Anything else? Jack- Oh yeah, we might be getting a new inmate. Conor- Who? Jack- Dunno about the details, but her name is Lui Xiaoping. Sam screams loudly and for at least twenty seconds. Or basically until he passes out... Conor- Flashback to 'Nam? Sam- Not this time. I've met this Lui. Conor- Oh yeah? Sam- I dated her back in the forties. Jack- Wait a second... Sam- What? Jack- She. You went out with a girl? Sam- Hey, don't try and shunt me into a stereotype. I'm a rebel, fighting against societies labels and boxes. Jack- Then you're a stereotypical rebel. Sam- Fuck. You're right. Jack- There's a reason stereotypes exist. It's because generally they're correct. Sam- That's not true. Jack- Come on. Give me any name and I bet they'll conform to a stereotype in some way. Sam- Everyone's an individual! Jack- Ever heard of a cheery goth? A good looking American? Ever heard of someone with no legs winning the 400m? Sam- Well, no, but- Jack- Exactly. Anyone who say's stereotypes don't exist are bullshit munchers. Sam- Bit narrowminded. Jack- Anyway, what were you saying? Sam- Lui was my girlfriend. There was much love between us, but it went sour like milk left out on the tabletop. Conor- Really? Sam- That was a shit analogy. Sour like a lemon freshly plucked from a tree? Jack- Does it matter? Sam- Sour like the bumming of an orphan on christmas day being recorded and put on BBC News after a mix up in tapes by the Work Experience boy who is then run over by a Hovercraft. Jack-... That's...appalling. Sam- I'll go with that then. Conor- Why did you fall out? Sam- I can't tell you, but it involved a cat, a long funnel and a liquid shit spraying machine. Jack- Oh yeah? I've had a few break ups like that myself. Sam- Suffice to say, she went on a rampage. With fire. Conor- Jesus. Do we really want her in here? Jack- Well, it was only a maybe. They said it was either she was put in here with us, or was brutally executed. Horrific screams. Jack- Ah. Conor- Shit. Sam- How do they carry out their executions now? Conor- It changes monthly, but at the moment they insert piranhas into your anus. Sam- Blimey. Conor- A whole shoal. Begins to fade. Jack- It's better than this one thing I heard of. Apparently, they got one guy, tore of his hands, feet and tongue, fed it to him than left him in the recycling bin. Conor- God, that's awful. Jack- The worst part was he was in the green basket instead of the blue one, so the binmen wouldn't even collect him. Sam- Wasn't that a porn film? Jack- I hope not.